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29A
Our movie begins with a nasty looking hippie couple wandering into a crypt where they find a beautiful bed. Thinking “let's hump and have a picnic,” the grimy couple spread out a buffet on the bedspread before commencing a make-out session so vile you'd think it was part of a satanic ritual. Apparently their demonic deed was not in vain because the bed is really possessed by the tears of a demon (or some crap) which inspires it to first filch their picnic and then finish off the meal by sucking the shower wary duo into itself, where it has an 80 gallon tub of digestive acids that make short work of this ill-advised summer of love. These horrible deeds are witnessed by a fey man living inside a picture on the wall, who serves as narrator for most of this odd film.
The feasting furniture piece has apparently wrought a reign of terror for quite some time. After its birth as the result of something along the lines of the Devil raping some girl and then weeping, the bed seems to have been personally responsible for the deaths of everyone in the city of Chicago between the years of 1912 and 1931. Being less than mobile other than seeming to possess limited use Tardis teleport powers, the bed somehow lures most of its victims to it by telepathically making them sleepy and horny (a dangerous combination indeed). Once the drowsy horn dogs slip into bed, they drop into the mattresses gullet and where their bones are stripped clean with stomach acid and expunged into the yard, where roses grow out of them which are somehow teleported into the bed and eaten… What?
I'd love to tell you more about the progression of the plot, but there really isn't much to say. The movie bounces back and forth between a small group of people who wander around the forest, one by one wandering to the bed to die and montages of various previous victims meeting vauveville-style ends.
Moment of madness: One potential victim tries to stab the bed to death, only to have his hands sink into the bed. By the time he's finally able to free them, they're eaten away to nothing but bones. The next ten minutes is dedicated to the guy looking at the hands and being all like “what the hell?” What the hell indeed.
Bullshit or Reel? |
Reel, oh sweet Jesus it does in fact exist. This sprawling train wreak is known as “Death Bed, The bed that eats!” Lord god, the lamest D&D Game master ever wouldn't field such a lame monster, the hell? Patton Oswald has a hilarious bit about this movie, which can be found on YouTube. |
29B
What do you do when the world is besieged by swarms of zombies? Why not turn it into a business and pretend everything's normal?
After the great zombie wars, America retreated to Barbie dream neighborhood-style suburb fortress zones and chose to buy collar controlled zombies as live in servants. When the wife of a typical nuclear family feels the itch to keep up with the Jeffersons and orders a un-live in servant of their own, what follows is a charming coming of age story about a young boy and his pet flesh-eater.
There's a lot of fun, psychotic “Leave it to Beaver” style characters in this, from the father who's so obsessed with death that he doesn't want to have another child because he doesn't think he could afford to pay for its eventual funeral to a Zombco employee who shares a special relationship with his “snappy” female ward.
Moment of Madness: There's nothing lonely housewives love more than self-aware zombies. There's a slow building relationship in this movie between the title zombie and a neighbor that is both oddly sweet and goofy creepy. That awkward end-of-the-date kiss becomes all the more so when your lips are falling off.
Bullshit or Reel? |
Reel, this neat little instant classic is called “Fido,” and it's one worth checking out. Stylistically it feels vaguely reminiscent of a Burton film in both look and theme. Lots of fun… now it's no “Death Bed,” but…
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