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23A

Our movie begins at the end of World War 2, where a secret nazi project is being secreted out of the crumbling Germany and into the hands of the Japanese. What was this secret plan that was suppose to save the third Reich? Their nuclear program? A secret vehicle blueprint? No, the weapon that was going to secure Hilter's Germany was the heart of Frankenstein's Monster! So the Japanese army sneak the heart via submarine around the horn of Africa, arriving at Hiroshima one day before the bomb was dropped… the hell?

Twenty-some years later Hiroshima is re-built, and the medical institute discovers a bizarre, huge foreheaded boy who's been living in caves and eating the local's pets. After studying the boy for a while, they determine that not only do they find that the boy hates the new rock, but also that he continues to grow in size. They soon come to the theory that this being is the re-generated Frankenstein's monster, because as we all know the monster's heart is invincible, and that it can eternally re-grow limbs. The only conclusion the scientists can come up with as to test their theory is to chop off the boy's hand. They vote against this, but one of the scientists decides to get liquored up, invite a small army of roughty TV journalists, and completely botch the situation, letting the now huge freak boy loose upon the world.

Meanwhile, for seemingly no reason, a giant monster burrows out of the ground and knocks over an oil platform. This comes out of nowhere, and is not referenced again in anyway for an hour and some.

The now giant Frankenstein runs through the countryside, somehow not being seen despite the fact that he's now 40 plus feet tall. We learn that Frankenstein must have been in the boy scouts, because he sets up a giant pit trap to attempt to catch himself dinner, and instead catches a tank, making the army believe that Frankenstein has declared war on Japan (in fact, every time Frankie tries to catch some food, he ends up destroying somebodies property).

There's an odd subplot about Frankenstein's severed hand, and a hell of a lot of crazy padding… all an all this is a really silly, bizarre flick.

Moment of Madness: In an alternate ending, seemingly for no reason, a giant octopus shows up in the last minute and attacks Frankenstein. There is no build up or justification for this, it just happens at random.

Bullshit or Reel?

Reel, this movie is called “Frankenstein concurs the World,” and was alternately titled “Frankenstein vs. Baragon.” Wow, is this a whopper! It's one of the silliest things ever. Strangely enough, the movie “War of the Gargantuas” is actually its sequel, involving giant sea-monster monkeys who eat humans and spit out their cloths. These movies, made by TOHO of course (of Godzilla fame), comprise the very silliest of the giant monster genre… must sees.

While this is Frankie's last giant freak film, Baragon actually went on to co-star in several flicks, including "Destroy all Monsters" and "Godzilla GMR"

23B

Dolemite… lousy comedian… Blaxploitation superstar… Earth mineral… Shaolin super ninja? An evil army of ninjas (whom possess the ability to burrow like screamers) are out to destroy the Chinese empire… or something. Their leaders are a jive-talking voodoo priest and his busty female assistant, who might I add beats the crap out of people with her fun bags. Thank god Dolemite is there to stop them, even though he doesn't actually do anything but sort of observe things and comment on them in a language I assume is English. Thankfully the Shaolins have a decent enough roster (including A gay swashbuckler named “Davy Crocket” who wears a blue star trek shirt and the kung-fu ruler of China, emperor Brickhouse) that they don't really require the aged comedian's help.

This is a very bizarre example of Hong Kong 70's Kung-fu cinema. When people show off their amazing martial prowess, they do so in really surreal displays of moving things and jump cuts that cycle so fast that I think a seizure out twice in the course of a 30 second scene. This films' about three hours long, with the last hour comprising one long, drawn-out fight sequence, that's so droll that I had to struggle to keep my soul from leaving my body, speaking of which...

Moment of Madness: In a moment of anger, the Jive-talking Voodoo Kung-fu lord kills his two henchmen, and then uses magic to force their floppy, rubbery souls to float out their bodies. Now in many karate and action movies of the era, when something cool looking happens the film may repeat the scene two or three times. This movie seemed to deem this crummy special effect so spectacular that they looped it TEN TIMES!

 

Bullshit or Reel?

Reel, this cinematic still birth is called “Shaolin Dolemite,” and it's Dolemite's attempt to cash in on the wild success of movies like “Kung-pow: Enter the Fist” by finding his own forgotten 70's Hong Kong flick, re-dubbing it, and inserting scenes of him observing stuff and then making sound at it. This is a real beer and Pretzels party film here… it's just to absurd to believe at some points, and is best experienced by as many witnesses as possible. A word of warning though, once the final assault on the temple starts, nothing remotely interesting will occur for the rest of the film (one hour!) excluding Dolemite's “stirring” end of the movie speech about… something… and a quick scene where a guy kills two metal men by spitting watermelon seeds into their eyes.

 

 

 

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