21A

Now everybody knows the old wives tale concerning the belief that if you're married in a dress somebody died brutally in, that your firstborn child will be the devil, but… oh, never heard that one hu?… thought it was common knowledge.

We begin with a really artsy crazy scene where a prostitute in a rented wedding dress is splatter-killed by a homicidal John wielding a kitchen knife the size of a small road sign. Now the dress is somehow recovered by the company it was rented from, and even more somehow repaired (though lord knows why, I mean it was an expensive dress and all, but the thing was bloodier than Carrie's prom garb). After the Chucky-esc resurrection, the completely restored dress is picked up by a super-happy bride to be.

I feel bad about saying this even about a fake couple, but these bastards couldn't die fast enough for me. They were so abrasively happy in the first half hour of this flick that I kept on wishing that were-wolves would dive out of the stupid bushes in front of their yuppie doosh-bag condo and enact an artsy crazy scene of their own. Thank the lord everything falls apart for them, like most couples, soon after the wedding.

Our horrible bride eventually discovers she's with spawn, and things begin to go bad. First off the kid seems to be nearing the third trimester, even though the two of them “saved themselves” until matrimony. After that wedge is driven between the dipthiric duo, they get a real shock when it's revealed via ultrasound that the child seems to have horns, a hatred for ultrasounds, and the ability to make things explode.

So the two bicker a bunch, try to get help from a scientist, and at one point visit a priest who ends up throwing himself out a window (a not uncommon reaction when having to deal with these two I'd imagine). Generally the couple do a lot of nothing until the husband decides to pull a “Hills like White Elephants” and force his wife to have an abortion (she's not convinced that god would like this). What follows is a pro-life wet dream, as the fetus fires free from the womb and commits slaughter the likes of which would do the Monty Python rabbit proud.

Moment of Madness: The priest's monologue is of the caliber that one can only truly find in the rich annals of B-movie hell. You know that speech Shakespeare has about how life is a lot of vim and vigor that really doesn't mean anything… well in that sense this guy was Shakespearian to the bone. Man, I'm still whipping the spit of my face from his rant.

Bullshit or Reel?

Bullshit, Here's a fun recipe: Take one part modern Japanese angry ghost horror, two parts “Rosemary's Baby”, and top it with some “It's Alive”: Serves 8

By the way, if you want to see a really insane birth sequence, watch Ju-on 2 (that's the second theatrical film, not the second TV one). It's like watching a magic trick for the most depraved kind of circus fan.

21B

As the world economy changes and more and more American markets move into foreign lands like India, it's nice to know that the good old US is still tops in one area… the comic book movie.

Now there aren't a lot of people who would argue that the recent Fantastic four movie was high cinema (or at least nobody I'd ever listen to), but apparently Bollywood (India's answer to Hollywod) found a way to make it look like a Kubrick film by comparison. I'm going to assume that the huge difference in culture is what led to the strange interpretation of the subject matter and not follow my original theory that the movie was made by magic crap-weasels.

So in the original comic book, the pre-fantastic four were in the space program, which apparently translates into Indianese as coal miners… yep, coal-miners. So this Fantastic crew of miners eventually dig too deep in a supposedly sacred mountain (under orders of who I assume is suppose to Dr. Doom) and they find a metal shrine that gives them all stuper-powers… and man are they ever.

Now the most striking thing about the “transformations” is that ms. Fantastic doesn't actually get any powers. The only thing that happens with her is that she is accidentally turned invisible in one scene due to… I'm not really sure actually… considering that she was never near the mine, I'll say magic… and can only be brought back to the visible world through a stirring love ballad/ dance number. Now mister fantastic does get stretch-o powers, but they look really weird, kind of like they stuck those pool noodle toys on the ends of his hands. The Ben Grimm character doesn't so much develop rock skin as he becomes paper mache, and in several scenes you can see it flake off in clumps. The lamest of them all has to be Johnny Storm. Now if anyone saw the direct-to-bootleg release of the 90's Fantastic Four, you'll know that their Johnny didn't start on fire so much as cause fires to happen. If that doesn't sound pathetic enough for you, then feast your mind on the fact that apparently fire was out of this film's budge restraints, because their John Storm doesn't so much start fires as he makes things smoke… Lame on! Even Doom looks terrible, wearing a makeshift armor of tinfoil and monks tunic that creates a less convincing image of Victor Von than does M.C. Doom.

It's amazing how little happens in this film, there's just a lot of silly slapstick crud that clouds the mind and stupid's the soul. It culminates with Doom leading an army (well, 4 guys anyway) against the Minetastic 4, who have prevented mining in the sacred mountain where Doom was getting the metal for his armor (remember how I said it was a coal mine… apparently the movie makers didn't) and they have a Bat-tastic fight that turns into a dance number… Wow…

Moment of Madness: Doom sitting at an office desk, talking into an old rotary phone, ordering that mining continues. It brings back Twisted Toyfair moments for me.

Bullshit or Reel?

Bullshit. While I'm fairly sure there isn't an Indian Fantastic 4, if you want to drink in the madness that inspired this review, track down either the Indian version of Superman or the Japanese TV series inspired by Spiderman. Man, your brains will flip.

If you want to see something truly amazing from our Indian pals, look up “Spiderman Superman India” on Utube for something truly special… Little bus special…