18A

There's nothing more horrifying than a giant killer monster who runs away from everyone and is in no way violent. Our story begins when an exploratory ship on a mission to Venus crashes into the ocean off the coast of Rome. The sole survivor of the expedition escapes the sinking vessel and reports that his specimens must be recovered before they cause trouble. A small creature who was frozen is recovered by some scientists… BAH! SCIENTISTS!!!… who allow it to thaw, where hence it escapes. The beast begins to grow, and as it continues to increase in size so increases his insatiable lust for… SULFUR… That's right baby, sulfur. Thank god the army's on hand to provoke and prod the volatile beast before he has the chance to tear open our babies for the sweet, sweet sulfur rocks within. They continually shoot at the critter until he's forces to defend himself… THE BASTARD… at which point the army blasts the hell out of the creep.

Seriously, from this point on the movie basically follows the pattern of (1) the creature hiding from people and eating off a pile of sulfur until (2) somebody (or in one case some elephant) encounters the creature and instantly attacks it, until finally (3) the army (who saw most of it up to this point and still feels the being is pure rock evil) decides the beast is a bastard and proceeds to fill it's ass full of lead.

Moment of Madness: The speech at the end of the movie… classic. The military men stand around, musing about why it was that scientific advances always came with such backlash… I dunno, maybe because you're a f*cktard!!!

Bullshit or Reel?

Reel, this here's a classic from the 50's called “20 Million Miles to Earth”. If you haven't seen this one in a while check it out again, seriously the Ymir (a cool looking creature that appears to be the love child of a gorilla and a lizard who was stop motion animated by the great Ray Harryhausen) just wants to be left alone, and it appears that every creature on Earth has it out for him. It's utterly amazing.

18B

Isn't it odd that children's entertainment so often crosses over to the realm of stoner vision? Man is this one a freak show of various video mediums all car wreaked together. Apparently the dinosaurs didn't die, but instead moved to the center of the Earth and evolved into a mixture of puppets, clay models, and sad guys in rubber suits. All was good until their new leader (as far as I can tell, voiced by Strong Mad on one of his more lucid days) uses his hypnotizing laser eyes to turn his subjects into monster dinosaurs, upon which he sent them to the surface world to kill everyone. Thank god for cartoon humanity that they have a super team (comprised of a brother and sister team who are WAY to close, a token fat guy, and the ugliest scientist in anime history) and their fleet of Fisher Price toy vehicles.

Now you'd think that giant monster dinosaurs rampaging through the city would be bad enough, but no, the bastards also have the ability to hypnotize dogs and bats, chewing people up until they cease to be cartoons and turn into small plastic skeletons covered in clay and crap. Thank god that the crew has a secret super weapon, where the brother and sister merge into a cyborg, somehow magically transforming their super vehicle into a flying drill that grotesquely eviscerates the dinosaurs, sending limbs and gore everywhere.

Bullshit or Reel?

Reel, this turkey's a Japanese import from the late 70's called “Attack of the Super Monsters”. It's been described as “crack for little kids” by BadMovies.org, and man are they right. This is a must see to be believed.