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16A

There are all sorts of strange holiday movies out there, but this one takes the cake. In the future (I think) an archeological expedition to the North Pole in response to a strange rumor reveals a bizarre burnt out village and an odd stone mausoleum extending deep under the earth. The explorers' are quickly forced to take shelter in the underground tunnels when a freak snowstorm kicks up. While in the tomb the explorers discover a secret room where, in much the style of a Pharaoh or a Viking lord, a dead king is mummified with frost and entombed with his tools in life and his murdered servants. Soon enough the Mummy king, “Da Kringle” as he seems to be called by his gibberish speaking dusty undead midget serfs, Rises to life and begins murdering the archeologists one by one (dubbing them “naughty”). Once murdered, Da Kringle chops up their bodies, using the parts to make evil playthings (my favorite is “bone train,” which isn't as dirty as it sounds). The surviving explorers come to the conclusion that the unkillable Kringle (who's immune to bullets) may be put back into torpor by driving a peppermint shaft through his heart, and they hatch a desperate plan to try and stop this maniac before he has the chance to be loosed upon the world and make toys for the good little girls and boys out of the bad ones.

Moment of Madness: At one point Da Kringle corners a busty archeologist, all the while yelling “Naughty!” in a thick accent. At one point he claws at her and her shirt tears open exposing her breasts, to which the jolly undead ghoul exclaims “Nice!”

Bullshit or Reel?

Bullshit, sorry folks but this one only exists in the annals of my own twisted mind. If you like evil Santa stories try the “Futurama” Christmas episodes, “The Tick's” Multiple Santa, and I believe there was an episode of “Tales from the Crypt” involving a psycho in Santa garb. One could also watch the “Silent Night, Deadly Night” series, but I wouldn't… except for one classic scene from the second one… “Garbage Day!”… Go to Badmovies.org and check the clip out.

16B

The war of cold was raged on many battlefields and lead to many scientific advances, which in turn lead to even more battlefields. As the cold depths of space were not immune to this challenge of the superpowers, why should the center of the Earth?

America launches a magma-diving super vessel (which basically looks like a sub-marine with a drill on it) into a Hawaiian super-volcano in the attempts to plant an American Flag plaque on the solid center of the Earth's core (you following me so far?). The Russians (Russia being personified by half a dozen doughy generals talking in what appears to be a snow-logged ice chantey) decide that they must beat the Americans to the core of the world, and quickly deploy a similar vessel they were working on, equipping it with lava-proof missiles (?), as to make sure the Americans don't arrive their first.

There's a lot of filler in this piece, concerning the usual “Don't you ever find time to be a woman” retarded romantic sub-plots, as well as the science guy who goes freaks out because he's not a manly man like the other crew members, and is only able to be set straight with a good ol' American ass-whoppen.

The actual sub battles are pretty fun to watch. Much of the time they look like they're on strings. The “lava” looks more like red-orange water, so in scenes where someone claims they're being cooked alive one just has to kinda chuckle abit.

Moment of Madness: Speaking of being cooked alive, there's a fun scene where the American vessel takes a direct hit. One of the Plasmanauts attempts to repair some of the inside hull when part of it ruptures, spewing what looks like red chunky malt on the man. The camera pans to the horrified female scientist witness, panning back to show just a skeleton in slurry ooze. Chilling!

Bullshit or Reel?

Bullshit, sorry folks. If one wishes to see a dumb-ass movie like this, just look up pretty much any science epic adventure from the 60's or earlier. Might I suggest “Rocketship X-M” or “Angry Red Planet” among others.

 

 

 

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