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A Bullshit or Reel special presentation
e
BLUH!
The Legend of Dracula in film
1

...Dracula is not amused...

 

Of the greatest classic monsters of western culture, few hold such a place in the imagination as the undead Transylvanian lord known as Dracula. Originally the brainchild of Lord Byron, he created Drac for a scary story party at which Mary Shelly was fabled to have created another great classic creature, Frankenstein. The story was later re-interpreted by Lord Byron and thus came into public awareness. (1) The vampire first entered the film world in the 1930's Universal classic “Dracula, ” and the character was so popular that Universal studios and other film houses came to create new Dracula tales, exploiting this strange being and his world. Even to this day Dracula films are a cinema staple, and it could be argued that Dracula is possibly the most filmed fictional character in cinematic history.

Now sadly (or perhaps not so sadly, as your disposition may be) the more films made off of a property, the likelihood of bad movies being made grows in number… and man are their some weird movies and facts that came from these Drac films.

 

...gets the red out...

Now Dracula is the lord of the dead, but he wasn't always a monster. His origins are different depending on the film in question. While the original story claimed that Dracula was originally Vlad the Impairer, some movies claim him to had been (2) Judas the Asphodel , (3) the prophet Nostrodamus , and even (4) Dr Jekyll.

One of the intriguing elements of Dracula is that he possesses freakish supernatural abilities, some really cool… and some are just sorta dumb. Now we all know that Dracula can turn into a bat, a wolf, and mist, but many don't know that he can also apparently assume the form of (5) a Giant Demon , or even to (6) grow several stories tall and stomp Japanese cities . Dracula can also manipulate those who's wills are weak or those who he's drank the blood of. He can even bestow/impose powers on his thrulls, like (7) turning his slaves into horny werewolves and instructing them to hump women , or (8) commanding them to vomit in church.

Dracula inspects all product before it hits the street

 

Now for all the superpowers Dracula has, he also possesses some strange, downright bizarre weaknesses. Holy water will burn Dracula's skin, but if you can't find any you can always use (9) any coins bearing the names of Saints or even (10) old pizza . If you want to slow Dracula down, try (11) spreading around sesame seeds, because he'll feel compelled to count them . If you find that your bullets don't work on Dracula don't fear, you can always (12) throw the gun at Dracula and knock him out , giving you plenty of time to drive a steak through his heart. In some cases (13) Dracula's power diminishes with time, requiring him to drink the blood from a freshly defiled virgin. The purity of a victim's blood is important, because (14) if a victim was drinking that night then Dracula will get blotto off the blood. Dracula and monkeys don't mix, and in some cases (15) a monkey bite will make Dracula's skin foam. Worse comes to worse, (16) you can always chase Drac into a thorn bush.

 

Do you see Dracula in this picture or an old lady?

 

So you think you've killed Dracula,hu?…. you got some nerve! As many can attest, putting Dracula down is not an easy thing as he has a nasty habit of not staying croaked. Drac can return from the dead in some cases (17) simply by having the steak through his heart removed.(18) By wearing some of Dracula's personal possessions you can turn into him. (19) Drinking the blood of Dracula strained through a leech will get you wasted, but slowly turn you into a copy of Dracula. There's also the danger of multiple Dracula wandering the earth due to his ability (20) to clone his soul onto evil doers. You must always be careful when dealing with the tomb of a Dracula, as (21) mass amounts of radioactive fallout will make a dead Dracula turn into Slime beast. One final word of warning… (22) raise Dracula from the dead too many times and he'll enact the Apocalypse.

So there is many crazy things introduced into the Dracula mythos via the movies, and with people's fascination with this intriguing character, there are likely to be many more… oh and by the way… (23) Dracula has NEVER said “BLUH” in any movie.

 

...It's only a flesh wound...

 

In the true spirit of Bullshit or Reel, I lied about some of the numbered “facts,” and it's up to you to figure out which ones are fibs and which ones you only wish were. Please examine the pieces above, then afterwards check the answers below. Happy hunting, oh children of da night….Mua Ha Ha!!!

(1) False…though it is something of a trick question: Dracula first appeared on the silver screen in “Nosferatu,” though his name was changed in an attempt to skirt the legal issues that plagued the film, which was almost destroyed due to the legal turmoil.

(2) True: “Dracula 2000” claimed that Judas was cursed with the dark gift after the betrayal of Christ in 32 AD.

(3) True: “The Blood of Nostrodamus” series of old B-movies claimed the prophet was in fact the lord of the dead.

(4) False: While there is a long history of scientists trying to study/harness Dracula's powers, they have never actually been the infamous Jekyll (at least not in any movies I'm aware of).

(5) True: This occurs in more movies than I can count, as well as a myriad of video games, though opening that mad can of worms is more than I want to take on here.

(6) False: Sorry folks, but that's just retarded… you're thinking of Frankenstein.

(7) True: In Francis Ford Copala's Dracula, Tom Waits does the nasty as a harry version of himself under the order of Gary Oldman.

(8) False: Dracula's never done this, only Jack Nickelson has that ability. Though Drac can command people to ignore the laws of physics (I shit you not).

(9) False: If the coins were silver maybe, but simply inscribing the name of the patron saint of the mentally ill isn't gonna save your arse.

(10) True: In “Monster Squad” a kid used a piece of garlicky pizza to scorch Drac's face.

(11) True: This is actually a very old vampire myth. It was used in the sequel to “Dracula 2000,” as well as on Sesame Street in the character of the count.

(12) True: Yep…I shit you not. In “Billy the Kid versus Dracula” the heros unload their guns into old Drac to no avail. Billy sees this is having no effect and decides to chuck the spent gun at Dracula, knocking him out cold. This fact leads me to believe that criminals have a nasty habit of confusing Superman with Dracula

(13) True: In “Andy Worhal's Dracula,” an aged Drac goes to a lords house in the attempt to drink the blood from between the legs of a violated virgin. I don't have to tell you that it's a pretty nutty flick.

(14) True: Drac can become really plastered if he downs a wino who's proof is too high in “Once Bitten” (I think). I know Dracula was played by George Sungod Hammilton in a strange bit of casting.

(15) False: Monkeys are usually to afraid of the Undead, unless they're evil monkeys… come to think of it most monkeys are evil

(16) True: Apparently thorns on Dracula are bad because they're reminiscent of the stigmata of Christ (crown of thorns and all). That's part of the reason vampires hate crosses… man, if only those confused criminals could get ahold of a Kryptonite Cross (thank you Jack Handey)

(17) True: Another ancient vampire myth used in many films

(18) True: Cloths make the man… in a very literal sense. So if you ever have the urge to put on some of Drac's soiled trousers… well, maybe becoming a Nosferatu's the least of your worries.

(19) False: You won't get sauced or become a vampire if you do this, but it can be used as a youth serum by crazy British dudes.

(20) True: While usually done by making someone drink Dracula's blood, in the Golden Vampire movies (a joint venture of Hammer films and Asian cinema). Dracula soul clones itself on a kung-fu master… Because Dracula's not scary enough I guess.

(21) False: Though there are some stories which claim that pollution can make Dracula go crazy, he has never (to my knowledge) become a slime beast from it... yet

(22) True: Many films, including “Dracula 3,” “The Satanic Rights of Dracula,” and “Vampire Hunter D,” hint at or come right out and state that Dracula's gonna sooner or later get sick of coming back from the dead and work to end it all… Jerkface!

(23) False: Sadly while Bela Legosa never actually said “BLUH!” (his thick accent made “blood” sound like it), later comedy movies made use of this dumb little phrase, most notably the Fanny farm flicks (which are like soft core porn flicks made by kids… you really do have to find these things, they're beyond belief).

 

 

 

 

 

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